I was listening to the radio this morning on my way back from dropping kids off at three different schools, I caught the end of a segment that two women were doing about wardrobe malfunctions. I was quickly reminded of a time where I had a major malfunction at probably the worst time of an adolescent life. I was in 8th grade...
The 8th graders took an end of the year field trip to Waterworld USA (now called Raging Waters). The water park had just recently opened its most awesome water ride ever. It was called the Cliffhanger. It was a 6 story straight drop that ended with so much water force up ones rear end that the people getting off the ride were pulling out what looked to be hurtful wedgies as they exited the ride. I.WAS.NERVOUS! I sat and watched person after person fall down this slide and tried to muster up the courage to take the plunge myself. As I climbed the stairs and waited in the line of a ride that would cause certain death, I kept thinking about the wedgie that was inevidably in my future and even worse - the wedgie that be so embarrassing with all my classmates around.
My turn came. I sat on the edge of this death slide and shook with fear. The countdown began, and before I knew it, I was pretty much being pushed down the slide. As I fell to my certain death, my stomach was still hanging out with the cute lifeguard at the top of the slide. The ride lasted mere seconds but seemed like a lifetime. And then...the wedgie...it happened. I never knew that spandex could hurt so much. Little did I know, that the wedgie would be the least of my problems.
As I sat at the bottom of the slide, I wiped the water from my eyes and then immediately grabbed the big chunk of swimsuit from my lower region and began to yank it out of what seemed like a never ending crevice. Finally, the swimsuit was free and there was only throbbing pain left. I got up and proudly walked off the slide. I had just experienced the Cliffhanger, I survived, and it was AWESOME.
I walked around looking for my friends. I was in 8th grade...I needed my friends. As I looked for them, I kept seeing faces staring at me. With all the staring, I just knew they thought I was amazing for I had just dropped 6 stories to my death and survived. The stares continued...I began to get self conscience. Finally, I couldn't take the staring anymore and looked down to see if there was something wrong. It was like a movie...slow motion and all. My eyes looked down and to my utter horror, I see my 8th grader breast just hanging out for the entire world, or rather, my entire 8th grade class to see, which at that time of my life, was basically the same thing. Again, in slow motion, my hand came down to cover the scene of the crime. And believe me, it was defintely a crime. I fumbled as fast as I could to find where the swimsuit had malfunctioned and after what seemed like a full length movie, I was able to put everything back in place. I did not look up to see faces laughing, I did not look up to see where my friends were, I did.not.look.up...
What just happened? What just happened? Oh my gosh! I finally found my friends and with complete embarrassment, I proceeded to tell them of my horrific experience. There was no consoling. There were no hugs or words of sympathy. There was just laughter coming from both their mouths and eventually, mine as well...
I will never forget that day...the day I survived the Cliffhanger, the day I flashed my schoolmates...and the day I knew that being a stripper was not in the cards for me.